Monday, October 4, 2010

The Worst Dog in the World

Everyone, this is Ignatius:


He looks cute there, but he can usually be found in one of these two positions:


Ignatius is my family's beagle, and he is the worst dog in the world.  Pretty sure anyone who has met him would testify to that.  He is a ripe old ten years old now, but we got him (from the pound) when he was a mere ten weeks:


As you can imagine, Ignatius was a darling puppy.  Beagle puppies are on a whole different level of cute.  My dad was mourning the loss of his Jack Russell, Layla, and we all went together (in the fateful January of 2001)--my dad, stepmom, sis, and me--to pick out a new pup for Daddy as soon as he was ready.

We were all immediately drawn to the two month old beagle, who flopped in our arms and won us over. However, the workers at the humane society eyed us suspiciously as we affirmed that he was indeed the one we wanted to take home.

It wasn't until we'd gotten him home, and he had started raising hell, that we learned that in his ten weeks of life, he had been adopted and returned twice.  How is that even possible???  My dad and stepmom considered this a life (well, ~12 year) sentence for them, as they knew that they couldn't return him a third time, because it was pretty obvious what would then become his fate.


Once in a while, he looks sweet (okay, really just when he's sleeping).

Here are some of the incidents that Ignatius has put my dad and stepmom through in his ten years of life thus far (I swear that all of these are 100% fact):

  • Busted through every single screen window in their house (and once, busted through glass, requiring an expensive trip to the emergency vet and stitches in his cut paw)
  • Destroyed my stepmom's new living room furniture mere weeks after his adoption
  • Howled so incessantly that the neighbors were threatening to call the police within the first few days of his life as a Kiefer
  • Gotten kicked out of obedience school (my dad refers to it as Ignatius's "expulsion"--the trainer said Ignatius was "distracting the more serious learners")
  • Took a Tylenol PM, unbeknownst to anyone at home, and passed out unconscious.  He was rushed to the emergency vet (Ig and the emergency vet are practically bffs by now) and given over $400 of blood tests, only to determine that he'd eaten one of my dad's Tylenols
  • "Taken advantage of" our innocent girl doggie, Django, resulting in Ignatius's penis getting stuck out.  Not kidding.  Stuck out (wouldn't retract), causing Ig extreme pain and my father a VERY embarrassing trip to the emergency vet
  • Howled through a 130-guest wedding that was held at my dad and stepmom's house
  • Escaped out the front door (his younger brother, Atticus, trailing behind him) and ran into the street, where a jeep ran over both dogs.  Atticus died immediately (RIP), and Ignatius was rushed to the emergency vet (noticing a pattern?) with broken bones and ribs.  The first emergency vet suggested we put him to sleep.  We took him to another vet, who set his bones and put Ignatius in a body cast.  It was red.  Again, not kidding.  So wish I had a picture of that . . .
  • Interrupted my dad's lobster boil for his clients (Dad is a corporate chef) and ate five lobster carcasses, resulting in the extraction of one of his teeth (and lots of vomit)
  • Has continually peed on Dad and Amy's bed every time Dad is out of town for any more than a couple days (Ignatius and Dad have a little bit of co-dependency, if you haven't detected that already)
  • Was offered free services from Bark Busters because the agent had heard his case was so severe
I am going to stop there because otherwise, I will go on all day.

Elf-natius

Why am I telling you about Ignatius?  Because I was on the phone with my Daddy yesterday (debriefing the Falcons' triumph over the 49ers), when he told me about Ignatius's latest stunt.  And I'm still sort of in awe.

My dad is a corporate chef for Schwan's foods.  He does Research & Development for various restaurant chains.  Because his job is to develop new recipes and menu items, he has a test kitchen at home.  A couple weeks ago, he and his colleagues were working on a photo shoot for one of their clients, Red Robin.  Dad was out of town on business, so one of his colleagues, Ciaran, came over to the test kitchen to stage the photo shoot.  Another colleague flew in from Dallas for it.  Ciaran set everything up and arranged for the photographers to come out the next day.

And the next day, when Ciaran arrived at the kitchen to meet with the photographers?  Every single bun was gone.  All twelve of them.  Now, there isn't a Red Robin in the area, so it's not like they could go out and purchase replacement buns for the shoot.  Instead, they had to express order some from another city, and in the meantime, dash to the farmers market to find the closest possible buns to use as a substitute.

Between debacles like that, and the fact that Ignatius howls through every one of my dad's conference calls . . . it's a wonder my daddy still has his job.

(For the record, I love Ignatius more than I've ever loved any animal . . . what can I say?  I like the bad boys, bad kids, and apparently, the bad pets).


Ignatius with his faux-twin we got him for Christmas.  Suffice to say, the majority of the family prefers the stuffed version to Ignatius 1.0

50 comments:

Rach said...

This is hilarious! We have a trouble-maker cat, but he hasn't done anything as bad as Ignatious thank god!

Diana Mieczan said...

Ohhh I remember him from the photo you sent me....Ohh as bad as they get we just keep loving them...He looks so so so cute in that Elf outfit:) Happy Monday,sweetie

FourJedis said...

Hey at least he is cute... if he has absolutely nothing else in this world going on for him. I can't get over the list... and the fact that you stopped the list short. HA. The next time my husband complains about our dogs, I'm referring him to the story of Ignatius.

jeanette from everton terrace said...

Laughing all the way through this one. Sweet little bugger! Returned twice?! Sad but downright funny. What a character. I had two dogs and came home to find an empty bottle of Aleve on the floor. Rushed them both to the vet and they pumped their stomachs. Turned out one had eaten them all and the other hadn't eaten any. She was the same dog who ate two pair of my eyeglasses and bit the UPS guy right on the derrier. I miss that sweet girl.

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

a menace!!!!!! i am still laughing at that story. all the hot dog buns?????

Dancing Branflake said...

Haha! That is hilarious because he is so stinkin cute!

julianne. said...

hahaahh gootta love your bad doggies.
this was an adorable post, he is precious, and lucky that he is! <3

heather yalin said...

OK, Claire dear, this is so funny! The codependent relationship your dad has with Ig is classic! But All those buns??? Oh oh oh, that's harsh!

Kate Kiefer said...

he doesn't deserve this much space on the internet

bananas. said...

with a name like ignatius, could you expect any less?

he sounds like the life of the party, as most bad mannered dogs do. my dog omar is freaking CRAZY but man he's a sweetheart.

so because of that, i heart ignatius. he makes for awesome posts :)

AmericanBridget (Jones) said...

OMG! Beagles are the best!!!! (and worst). I am obsessed with them. They keep you laughing ALL THE FREAKING TIME! I'm on my 2nd one and can't get enough of her. She's an old gal I adopted last year, but she still has the energy of a puppy and gets into so much naughty stuff. I too have gone into the kitchen and noticed a few fixings for dinner were missing. Came home to find her on top of the dining room table, found her stuck in the cabinet, drinks water out of the toilet, etc.

So glad you blogged about the Beagle. LOVE IT!!!!

Jess said...

Haha I'm sitting here laughing out loud! He sounds like he has so much personality, you couldn't help but love him :)

Kara said...

Oh. My. God. I seriously laughed SO hard throughout this entire post, Ryan asked me what was the matter! He truly sounds like the worst and most wonderful dog ever. Please send this to a movie producer and then make a happier version of Marley and Me, please?!

~KS said...

Oh boy... he sounds like a hell raiser for sure!! We had a cocker spaniel when I was little. Her name was Hannah. She was the perfect dog. Perfect. Sweet, never barked, let us dress her in cabbage patch doll clothes. I still cry every now and then thinking about her. After we put her down, I encouraged my parents to get another dog. They were living alone, and I thought they'd enjoy the company. They got Hershey... the cutest little boy pup ever. But then he grew up. They have threatened to get rid of him on several occasions... and yet we love him. Shenanigans and all!!!

this free bird said...

gah! claire! i am howling laughing (an ode to ignatius?) seriously thought i was laughing pretty hard, but when i hit the tylenol pm line i completely lost it. this dog needs to get on tv...and your dad deserves a spot in guiness if for nothing more than ability to maintain gainful employment while being sabotaged by beloved family pet!!

bahahaha!!

elf-natius?? AHAHAHAHA

shelly said...

claire i love this so much! i swear i fell out of my chair reading this. i had a dalmation for 12 years that that pulled the same kind of stunts. he was the WORST (and best) dog in the world. i have a long list of the crazy stuff he did that is very similar to your bad little beagle's. too funny! it's the rascals with personality that win my heart every time to.

Micaela said...

oh my goodness!!! ha!!! i LOVE him! i loved him from the pic you had sent (the last one) and LOVED hearing his hell raising-- LMAO at you loving the bad boys ;)

i can just picture him in his cast HA!

i want to hug him!!!

goodness, why aren't me and ignatius already fb friends!? ha LOVE YOU BOTH!!!

bless your dad's heart :)

danielle and dinosaur toes said...

oh my gosh, this post was hilarious, and i CANNOT believe all the things ignatius has gotten into! he really does sound like the world's worst dog, but at least he's cute!

Krystal said...

this has to be the funniest thing i've ever read - he sounds hilarious like he could be in a movie!! i love him! i'm so glad he didn't get returned again and landed with you guys!

Jax said...

First of all, I LOVE his name! haha! Adorable! My mom has a beagle and we named him Beau Buford...ha! We adopted him from the pound as well adn he's just as much of a terror. Well, he's actually toned down a ton in his old age...and that kinda makes me sad. He was always giving us a run for our money.. haha.. :) Cute cute post, girl!

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

LOL! What a little troublemaker! :O

It seems like most beagles are so smart that they do as they please. They are too intelligent to take orders hehe!

We are allowed to bring dogs to work and a co-worker started bringing his beagle pup. That thing had my co-worker whipped haha! Every time he's walk away the dog would start howling like crazy. He eventually got banned from the office because it was so distracting.

Katie said...

Laughing! Sounds like my basset hound's long lost brother!

Tracy-Girl @ Then I Got To Thinking said...

LOL... not funny, but so funny! I can't believe he ate ALL of those buns... crazy dog. He is so cute though, oh my gosh! His list of stunts is quite long... and the Tylonal PM... that would have freaked me out!

PinkLouLou said...

OMG I am dying. You are hysterical. And Ig is precious. He and Sadie would be BFF. Sadie has eaten a styrofoam container to get to the mashed potatoes inside, my roomates laxatives, a pot of tulips (bulbs and all) a bag of hersheys kisses and a bowl of grapes (resulting in a $400 ER stint, hmmm I am sure there are more. ha. But seriously Ignatius is precious. Thanks for the laughs today as i sit here in post birthday pain munching on a baked potato. I need to go shower...

Gracie said...

Haha! Ohh my he definitely sounds like a real handful. At least you didn't return him knowing his fate.

The stories are crazy! I can't believe he could cause so much mayhem!! But he looks so sweet in the photos :p

Marz said...

OMG Claire my sides are aching from laughing SO hard at this post!!! I got to the story of the tylenol PM and called Micaela to laugh about it with her and she started laughing and was like what about the red body cast?!?! and I was like wait! Don't ruin it for me I haven't got to that one yet! haha HILARIOUS!!! I just LOVED this adorable post :) Thank you for the laughter Claire! Your sister's comment cracked me up too :) It's a good thing he's such a cutie! Bless your dad for loving him for better or for WORSE! hahahahaha

Donna Arrants said...

and he has his own facebook account! What a dog! Love your stories,Claire!

Phoenix Peacock said...

hahaha. this makes me feel a little better about my dogs! And can I just say I LOVE your dogs names? I think when I get my next one (probably not for 12 years) I will have to have you help me pick something a little more creative!

kittycat said...

wow hahaha! that's a LOT of things. but just the same as everyone else said...at least he's adorable :)

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

That is one expensive dog- I hate my dog- he barks and pees and thinks I should love him more than the monkeys.

The Girlie Blog said...

Thank you for stopping by and commenting on my blog at The Girlie Blog (http://thegirlieblog.blogspot.com)!

Cute puppy! Mine is bad too and I love him even more!

Lovely blog you have. I am a new follower. And isn't San Francisco beautiful? You are so lucky to be a transplant there.

Looking forward to more of your posts!

The Girlie Blogger at http://thegirlieblog.blogspot.com

Farah said...

But omg he is just too cute though!! hahaha

Farah said...

And oh, doesn't this sound do much like Marley and me? hahahah very cute!

Miss Caitlin S. said...

haha aw, why do I have such a soft spot for lovable bad dogs! Ignatious sounds like a lovely terror and will make for great stories for your family forever! Annoying for your dad hahah but his face is just so cute!

April said...

Awww, he sounds so funny.. :)

Faiza said...

Kate's comment was the perfect ending to reading this HILARIOUS post!

Jen said...

Oh the joys of being a pet owner!! But sadly, I still want one!! I mean look at their faces, how can you stay mad at those adorable little guys?? ;-)

Happy Tuesday Dear! xo

J. said...

oh, this is priceless! How could you NOT love a pup so full of spunk?! :)

Manon said...

Haha! This post really made me laugh out loud. I'm in love with this dog, but I'm glad he's not mine.

angie may said...

ooh my goodness! reading the list of the things your doggie has done seriously made me LOL. XD hehehe taking a tylenol pm and passing out?? ooomg.. too funny. my dog got his penis stuck out too! my brother in law wanted to help him get it um.. un-stuck? i guess? so he rushed to walmart in the middle of the night and bought vasaline, rubber gloves, and q-tips. he said the lady at the checkout gave him a weird look. lol ooh goodness. i hope your doggie calms down a little now that he's getting up there in years. maybe he'll see that its time for him to retire his puppy ways. hehe maybe.

dennicapearl said...

OMG!
i've fallen in love with Ignatius!

his stunts made me laugh so much!


<3 dennica pearl
- through the eyes of a pearl
- vintage shop

Marie said...

That is sooo adorable! although you want to HATE a dog for doing something bad, it's just too hard to yell at their cute little face. your dog sounds wonderful : )
haha!

bklyn76 said...

bad pup or not, ignatius is darn cute, but more importantly: your dad is a corporate chef for red robin? i was craving one of their burgers this week and was all excited to have one in buffalo [we don't have them up in canada] but indy was sleeping and i couldn't possibly wake him just for a craving, could i??? maybe next time.

Sandra said...

Hi! Found you through Micaela, and just had to stop by and tell you that this post totally made my morning. X) I seriously could not stop laughing because I know the trouble they can get themselves into. lol

We love our fur babies no matter what they do. :)

shopgirl said...

WOW! i think that's all i can say right now. I'm gobsmacked! Your dog reminds me of that dog in the novel and the movie with Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson. He drives them crazy, but they absolutely love him to death.

Erin said...

Ignatius? That is probably THE coolest name for a dog ever!

MyLittlePhotographs said...

AT LEAST HE'S CUTE!! lol this post was so cute.

Miss Sweet Tea said...

This is so funny! My parents have a beagle that they rescued, and she's mischievous, but not as much as Ignatius!

I see that you are from GA! Me too! I live in Los Angeles now, but I love visiting San Francisco...it's so great there!

Melisa said...

cute!! I'm glad to see another dog person in blogland because it seems most bloggers are cat people, also love your "interest" I'm a soc major, whats your job? social activism yay.

Matthew Snope said...

Iggy is punk rock. Claire is only giving highlights of Iggy's escapades. I've heard a lot more of his shenanigans: rolling in clams; running into a room with people in it, only to fart, and then barrel out of the room again; rolling in garbage; eating 36 Hawaiian rolls in one sitting; continually outwitting his human masters; etc. It just goes on & on. I think Iggy is one of the 30,000,000 Hindu deities that Hindus believe in. He is a force of nature. When he meets you, he apparently backs up (walks backwards), howling.